I don’t want to share anymore.
I’ve taken breaks before. I think I’ve been running on fumes for a long time in some ways, sustained by the waters of denial. I started this blog the way I start everything – ignorant and enthusiastic, with ideas and plans bigger than my abilities and resources. I actually like this about myself, it keeps life interesting.
But sometimes my ambitions meet cold, hard, reality and reality wins. The reality of trying to be a high quality sewing blogger was not nearly as fun as being an Ebi-quality sewing blogger. In fact, it was stressful. But I kept on because I thought I might help someone.
Two years ago, I realized my life was unsustainable. I was burnt out; depleted of my abilities, energies, and resources because I constantly gave them away to help others grow strong. I knew I needed to make a really big change. I thought that meant going on a long trip. The universe thought it meant becoming pregnant with my first child.
For the first time in two years, I finally feel myself slowly coming alive. Pregnancy, terrible jobs (yes, including that craft store), packing, moving away from my beloved home, unpacking, baby care, living with parents, isolation, returning to school, global pandemic, protests for racial equality, and election season commercials individually and collectively crushed me.
I earned a perfect GPA for my first semester back at college in ten years, and my sixth attempt at college since graduating high school ten years before that, which earned me a spot in the honors college. I didn’t even tell anyone for a week because I thought it might be a mistake. I cried. I cried because it was the first time in my life I put my considerable efforts toward a goal that had nothing to do with helping or strengthening anybody else. I did not justify my work ethic by promises or actions to save the world. I worked my butt off so I can one day secure my own very large bag. I worked hard for selfish reasons. And I was rewarded. It felt good.
I want to keep being selfish. Stressing out over blog posts and social media tags is not selfish. It is generous. It is extra, something I might do when I’ve filled up my cup. But my little one-semester GPA is merely a drop in my cup. I am in semester #2, working HARD for another perfect GPA, and then I still have seven more semesters, including another summer. I also have a toddler to raise, filial obligations to navigate, social connections to plant, money to make, and unlimited episodes of How It’s Made to be equally bored and enthralled by.
Many thanks to everyone who took time out of their life to read a Making the Flame post, and/or comment, and/or subscribe by email. I was honored and excited by your company. :) Keep sewing if it suits you.