One of the perks of my new residence is an extra room that is the perfect size for a small sewing studio. It has huge windows on three sides and gets tons of light. No one else uses the room, since it’s off of my bedroom. All of my stash is in this room, both fabric stash and pattern stash, as are all three of my machines and my dressform (Porky). Everything I need to sew is in this room…but I don’t go in there.
When I first moved in, I was very gung ho about it. It was a neglected space, so it needed a lot of elbow grease to clean it up. And I was making good progress and dreaming big, when the music stopped playing – there were ants.
Since then, there have been a huge moth, a massive spider, a large wasp-looking thing, more ants than I’ve ever seen outside of an anthill, millipedes, and a nearly three-inch-long slug. Yes, a slug. Like, what????
People, I do not do bugs. I am absolutely terrified of them. One here or there, I can kill. Two here or there, I can scream and kill. Three here or there, I can kill and then go somewhere to sit down because I feel lightheaded and shaky with fear. More than that, and bigger than necessary, I can’t. I simply cannot.
So for four (!!!) months, I’ve been sleeping on the other side of the wall from the perfect sewing space, and not sewing in it.
But this post isn’t about how I solved the problem and got back to sewing and check out my new space – this post is about the fear that has kept me out of there for so long. Frankly, I’m ashamed that my fears are so strong I would forego something I love and need for my mental and emotional well-being. I’m also intrigued by the fear and my staunch avoidance of facing it. Where else in my life am I ‘living small’? I wonder whether there are other people living in fear, avoiding their passions and goals. Can I resolve this situation for myself, one way or the other?
Despite money (always) being tight, I’ve decided to hire cleaners to go in there and shine it up a bit – mostly to sweep up the mass grave of dead insects and give me feedback on whether they see anything still alive. It’s not facing my fears per se, but I’ve decided that sometimes facing your fears is overrated: what matters most is moving past/around/next to/etc your fears, onto the great thing ahead.